I realised I don’t know who I am. 

If I try and define myself I can’t. And although I don’t want to be pigeon holed, sometimes I think it would be nice to say “oh I’m just a real girly girl.”

A lot of the time, I feel like I constantly battling between two polar opposites of myself.

I like to wear pretty tea dresses and make myself look nice with make-up. I like to wear jeans and a jumper with my slipper shoes. I like to wear the latest trends, I like looking cool. I like to get ready to go out with my friends. I like to stay home alone in my PJs. I look in my wardrobe and realise that one half doesn’t go with the other. 

I like to sit and read books about other worlds. I like to flick through glossy magazines about celebrity culture. I like to watch Hollyoaks and Don’t Tell the Bride. I like to watch Downton Abbey and animal documentaries. I like to watch artsy films and admire the camera work. I like to watch and weep at rom-coms. 

I have a serious case of wanderlust. I want to explore the world, I want to see things I could only dream about, I like to sit in the middle of nowhere and drink in the world. I like to lie in bed all day long and stare blankly at the television. I like home comforts and the routine of everyday life. 

Who am I? What do I really want with my life? What do I really want to achieve?

I told my Mum a brief version of this thought stream. She told it’s time to let my wanderlust outweigh the homebody in me. She told me I need to get out and be free. I told her I’m scared.
I have a bucket list, but I’m too afraid to even look at it any more. I think I’m afraid I don’t have enough time to fulfil my dreams. I often start things and give up when it’s too hard. I need to learn to stick with it. I need to learn to be brave and really make a start with making my dreams come true. They are not dreams of career aspirations or even family aspirations. They are skills are want to learn, even if they are useless. They are places I want to visit, so I have stories to tell. They are things I’d love to say I’ve done before I die.